Sunday, April 13, 2008

We do marriage better

Same-sex couples tend to go along, get along

Thursday, April 10, 2008
JULIE SULLIVAN
The Oregonian Staff

Watching Silda Wall Spitzer and Sen. Debbie Stabenow of Michigan try to reconcile their idea of "room service" with their husbands', you might wonder whether same-sex couples are better off. More understanding of each other's needs and nature. Less conflicted about the whole monogamy means monogamy means monogamy concept. Happier, even.

Isn't the problem between men and women -- forgive me, dear -- men and women? Well, yes and yes. Same-sex couples are more honest about monogamy and sex, researchers say. They're also more mature, considerate and fairer to each other than heterosexual couples. They're funnier and more affectionate when they argue. Less controlling. They don't take everything so personally.

The findings come from the same famed laboratory that studies thousands of heterosexual couples -- the Gottman researchers in Seattle -- as well as large university studies. After videotaping gay and lesbian couples' discussions, arguments and daily interaction, John Gottman concluded that straight relationships might one day be so healthy -- "in 200 years."

More. . . .

Well there it is in black and white. None of your shonky James Dobson ersatz-Christian pseudo-science - real hard data from proper studies. When we finally get round to doing the couple thing, we do it better than anybody.

But I'm not so sure about 'not taking things so personally'. Maybe we don't at home, but at work I've found it really hard to have dispassionate and analytical discussions over business decisions with gay colleagues - they seem to take every disagreement, every suggestion of an alternative, every different viewpoint as a personal attack. Maybe I shouldn't work in gay businesses.

On the other hand, I don't mind them taking it personally, either - I love a rattling good robust argument, it clears the air and makes adjusting to and incorporating different viewpoints a lot easier than all that anodyne, bloodless, conflict-resolution pseudo-niceness.

I'll take a colleague who tells it like it is over one who makes soothing noises to my face and stabs me in the back any day.

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